13.A Trogglehumper for the Fleshlumpeater(1816)

A Trogglehumper for the Fleshlumpeater

‘They is always having fifty winks before they goes scumpering off to hunt human

beans in the evening,’ the BFG said. He stopped for a few moments to let Sophie have a better look. ‘Giants is only sleeping every then and now,’ he said. ‘Not nearly as much   as human beans. Human beans is crazy for sleeping. Is it ever occurring to you that a

human bean who is fifty is spending about twenty years sleeping fast?’

‘I must admit that never occurred to me,’ Sophie said.

‘You should allow it to occur to you,’ the BFG said. ‘Imagine it please. This human    bean who says he is fifty has been fast asleep for twenty years and is not even knowing where he is! Not even doing anything! Not even thinking!’

‘It’s a funny thought,’ Sophie said.

‘Exunckly,’ the BFG said. ‘So what I is trying to explain to you is that a human bean who says he is fifty is not fifty, he is only thirty.’

‘What about me?’ Sophie said. ‘I am eight.’

‘You is not eight at all,’ the BFG said. ‘Human bean babies and little chiddlers is spending half their time sleeping, so you is only four.’

‘I’m eight,’ Sophie said.

‘You may think you is eight,’ the BFG said, ‘but you has only spent four years of

your life with your little eyes open. You is only four and please stop higgling me.

Titchy little snapperwhippers like you should not be higgling around with an old sage and onions who is hundreds of years more than you.’

‘How much do giants sleep?’ Sophie asked.

‘They is never wasting much time snozzling,’ the BFG said. ‘Two or three hours is enough.’

‘When do you sleep?’ Sophie asked.

‘Even less,’ the BFG answered. ‘I is sleeping only once in a blue baboon.’

Sophie, peeping out from her pocket, examined the nine sleeping giants. They

looked even more grotesque now than when they were awake. Sprawled out across the  yellow plain, they covered an area about the size of a football field. Most of them were  lying on their backs with their enormous mouths wide open, and they were snoring like foghorns. The noise was awful.

Suddenly the BFG gave a jump in the air. ‘By gumfrog!’ he cried. ‘I is just having the most whoppsy-whiffling idea!’

‘What?’ Sophie said.

‘Wait!’ he cried. ‘Hold your horsefeathers! Keep your skirt on! Just you wait to see   what I is going to bring about!’ He galloped off fast to his cave with Sophie hanging on tight to the rim of the pocket. He rolled back the stone. He entered the cave. He was

very excited. He was moving quickly. ‘You stay where you is in my pocket, huggybee,’ he said. ‘We is doing this lovely bit of buckswashling both together.’ He laid aside the dream-catching net but hung on to the suitcase. He ran across to the other side of the  cave and grabbed the long trumpet thing, the one he had been carrying when Sophie  had first seen him in the village. With the suitcase in one hand and the trumpet in the other, he dashed out of the cave.

What is he up to now? Sophie wondered.

‘Peep your head up good,’ the BFG said, ‘then you will get a fine winkle of what is going on.’

When the BFG came near to the sleeping giants, he slowed his pace. He began

moving softly. He crept on his toes towards the ugly brutes. They were still snoring

loudly. They looked repulsive, filthy, diabolical. The BFG tip-toed around them. He

went past the Gizzardgulper, the Bloodbottler, the Meatdripper, the Childchewer. Then he stopped. He had reached the Fleshlumpeater. He pointed at him, then he looked

down at Sophie and gave her a big wink.

He knelt on the ground and very quietly he opened the suitcase. He took out of it the glass jar containing the terrible nightmarish trogglehumper.

At that point, Sophie guessed what was going to happen next.

Owch, she thought. This could be rather dangerous. She crouched lower in the

pocket so that only the top of her head and her eyes were showing. She wanted to be ready to duck out of sight very fast should anything go wrong.

They were about ten feet away from the Fleshlumpeater’s face. The snoring-snorting noise he was making was disgusting. Every now and again a big bubble of spit formed   between his two open lips and men it would burst with a splash and cover his face with saliva.

Taking infinite care, the BFG unscrewed the top of the glass jar and tipped the

squiggling squirming faintly scarlet trogglehumper into the wide end of his long

trumpet. He put the other end of the trumpet to his lips. He aimed the instrument

directly at the Fleshlumpeater’s face. He took a deep breath, puffed out his cheeks and then whoof! He blew!

Sophie saw a flash of pale red go darting towards the giant’s face. For a split second it hovered above the face. Then it was gone. It seemed to have been sucked up the

giant’s nose, but it had all happened so quickly, Sophie couldn’t be sure.

‘We had better be skiddling away quick to where it is safe,’ the BFG whispered. He trotted off for about a hundred yards, then he stopped. He crouched low to the earth.  ‘Now,’ he said, ‘we is waiting for the gun and flames to begin.’

They didn’t have long to wait.

The air was suddenly pierced by the most fearful roar Sophie had ever heard, and  she saw the Fleshlumpeater’s body, all fifty-four feet of it, rise up off the ground and   fall back again with a thump. Then it began to wriggle and twist and bounce about in the most violent fashion. It was quite frightening to watch.

‘Eeeow!’ roared the Fleshlumpeater. ‘Ayeee! Oooow!’

‘He’s still asleep,’ the BFG whispered. ‘The terrible trogglehumping nightmare is beginning to hit him.’

‘Serves him right,’ Sophie said. She could feel no sympathy for this great brute who ate children as though they were sugar-lumps.

‘Save us!’ screamed the Fleshlumpeater, thrashing about madly. ‘He is after me! He is getting me!’

The thrashing of limbs and the waving of arms became more violent by the second. It was an awesome thing to watch such a massive creature having such mighty

convulsions.

‘It’s Jack!’ bellowed the Fleshlumpeater. ‘It’s the grueful gruncious Jack! Jack is

after me! Jack is wack-crackling me! Jack is spikesticking me! Jack is splash-plunking me! It is the terrible frightswipingjack!’ The Fleshlumpeater was writhing about over  the ground like some colossal tortured snake. ‘Oh, spare me, Jack!’ he yelled. ‘Don’t

hurt me, Jack!’

‘Who is this Jack he’s on about?’ Sophie whispered.

‘Jack is the only human bean all giants is frightened of,’ the BFG told her. ‘They is all absolutely terrified of Jack. They is all hearing that Jack is a famous giant-killer.’

‘Save me!’ screamed the Fleshlumpeater. ‘Have mercy on this poor little giant! The  beanstalk! He is coming at me with his terrible spikesticking beanstalk! Take it away! I is begging you, Jack, I is praying you not to touch me with your terrible spikesticking   beanstalk!’

‘Us giants,’ the BFG whispered, ‘is not knowing very much about this dreaded

human bean called Jack. We is knowing only that he is a famous giant-killer and that he is owning something called a beanstalk. We is knowing also that the beanstalk is a

fearsome thing and Jack is using it to kill giants.’

Sophie couldn’t stop smiling.

‘What is you griggling at?’ the BFG asked her, slightly nettled.

‘I’ll tell youk later,’ Sophie said.

The awful nightmare had now gripped the great brute to such an extent that he was tying his whole body into knots. ‘Do not do it, Jack!’ he screeched. ‘I was not eating

you, Jack! I is never eating human beans! I swear I has never gobbled a single human bean in all my wholesome life!’

‘Liar,’ said the BFG.

Just then, one of the Fleshlumpeater’s flailing fists caught the still-fast-asleep Meatdripping Giant smack in the mouth. At the same time, one of his furiously

thrashing legs kicked the snoring Gizzardgulping Giant right in the guts. Both the injured giants woke up and leaped to their feet.

‘He is swiping me right in the mouth!’ yelled the Meatdripper.

‘He is bungswoggling me smack in the guts!’ shouted the Gizzardgulper.

The two of them rushed at the Fleshlumpeater and began pounding him with their fists and feet. The wretched Fleshlumpeater woke up with a bang. He awoke straight from one nightmare into another. He roared into battle, and in the bellowing thumping rough and tumble that followed, one sleeping giant after another either got stepped

upon or kicked. Soon, all nine of them were on their feet having the most almighty

free-for-all. They punched and kicked and scratched and bit and butted each other as

hard as they could. Blood flowed. Noses went crunch. Teeth fell out like hailstones. The giants roared and screamed and cursed, and for many minutes the noise of battle rolled across the yellow plain.

The BFG smiled a big wide smile of absolute pleasure. ‘I is loving it when they is all having a good tough and rumble,’ he said.

‘They’ll kill each other,’ Sophie said.

‘Never,’ the BFG answered. ‘Those beasts is always bishing and walloping at one another. Soon it will be getting dusky and they will be galloping off to fill their

tummies.’

‘They’re coarse and foul and filthy,’ Sophie said. ‘I hate them!’

As the BFG headed back to the cave, he said quietly, ‘We certainly was putting that nightmare to good use though, wasn’t we?’

‘Excellent use,’ Sophie said. ‘Well done you.’