1.Love and logic(Part Ⅰ)（1334）

"Love and logic" is a short story by Max Shulman, an American humorist and novelist.  The story humorously explores the theme of love and logic through the experiences of a young law student who attempts to apply his knowledge of rhetoric to win over a woman.  Shulman's work is known for its wit and satirical take on various aspects of life.

《爱情与逻辑》是美国幽默作家、小说家马克斯·舒尔曼的短篇小说。这个故事幽默地探讨了爱与逻辑的主题，通过一个年轻的法律学生试图运用他的修辞学知识来赢得一个女人的经历。舒尔曼的作品以其机智和对生活各个方面的讽刺而闻名。

 Passage One

        Love and logic

Part Ⅰ

Max Shulman

【1】Cool was I and logical. Keen, calculating, perspicacious, acute, and astute--I was all of these. My brain was as powerful as a dynamo, as precise as a chemist's scales, as penetrating as a scalpel. And--think of it!--I was only eighteen.

【2】It is not often that one so young has such a giant intellect. Take, for example, Petey Bellows, my roommate at the university. Same age, same background, but dumb as an ok. A nice enough fellow, you understand, but nothing upstairs. Emotional type. Unstable. Impressionable. Worst of all, a faddist. Fads, I submit, are the very negation of reason.

【3】To be swept up in every new craze that comes along, to surrender yourself to idiocy just because everybody else is doing it--this, to me, is the acme of mindlessness. Not, however, to Petey.

【4】One afternoon I found Petey lying on his bed with an expression of such distress on his face that I immediately diagnosed appendicitis.

【5】"Don't move," I said.

"Don't take a laxative. I'll get a doctor."
"Raccoon," he mumbled thickly.
"Raccoon?" I said, pausing in my flight.
"I want a raccoon coat," he wailed.
I perceived that his trouble was not physical, but mental. "Why do you want a raccoon coat?"

【6】"I should have known it," he cried, pounding his temples. "I should have known they'd come back when the Charleston came back. Like a fool I spent all my money for textbooks, and now I can't get a raccoon coat."
"Can you mean," I said incredulously, "that people are actually wearing raccoon coats again?"

【7】"All the Big Men on Campus are wearing them. Where've you been?"
"In the library," I said, naming a place not frequented by Big Men on Campus.
He leaped from the bed and paced the room. "I've got to have a raccoon coat," he said passionately. "I've got to!"

【8】"Petey, why? Look at it rationally. Raccoon coats are unsanitary. They shed. They smell bad. They weigh too much. They're unsightly. They---"
"You don't understand," he interrupted impatiently. "It's the thing to do. Don't you want to be in the swim?"
"No," I said truthfully.
"Well, I do," he declared. "I'd give anything for a raccoon coat. Anything!"
My brain, that precision instrument, slipped into high gear. "Anything?" I asked, looking at him narrowly.
"Anything," he affirmed in ringing tones.

【9】I stroked my chin thoughtfully. It so happened that I knew where to get my hands on a raccoon coat. My father had had one in his undergraduate days; it lay now in a trunk in the attic back home. It also happened that Petey had something I wanted. He didn't have it exactly, but at least he had first rights on it. I refer to his girl, Polly Espy.

【10】I had long coveted Polly Espy. Let me emphasize that my desire for this young woman was not emotional in nature. She was, to be sure, a girl who excited the emotions, but I was not one to let my heart rule my head. I wanted Polly for a shrewdly calculated, entirely cerebral reason.

【11】I was a freshman in law school. In a few years I would be out in practice. I was well aware of the importance of the right kind of wife in furthering a lawyer's career. The successful lawyers I had observed were, almost without exception, married to beautiful, gracious, intelligent women. With one omission, Polly fitted these specifications perfectly.

【12】Beautiful she was. She was not yet of pin-up proportions, but I felt sure that time would supply the lack. She already had the makings.
Gracious she was. By gracious I mean full of graces. She had an erectness of carriage, an ease of bearing, a poise that clearly indicated the best of breeding. At table her manners were exquisite. I had seen her at the Kozy Kampus Korner eating the specialty of the house--a sandwich that contained scraps of pot roast, gravy, chopped nuts, and a dipper of sauerkraut--without even getting her fingers moist.

【13】Intelligent she was not. In fact, she veered in the opposite direction. But I believed that under my guidance she would smarten up. At any rate, it was worth a try. It is, after all, easier to make a beautiful dumb girl smart than to make an ugly smart girl beautiful.

【14】"Petey," I said, "are you in love with Polly Espy?"
"I think she's a keen kid," he replied, "but I don't know if you'd call it love. Why?"
"Do you," I asked, "have any kind of formal arrangement with her? I mean are you going steady or anything like that?"
"No. We see each other quite a bit, but we both have other dates. Why?"
"Is there," I asked, "any other man for whom she has a particular fondness?"
"Not that I know of. Why?"

【15】I nodded with satisfaction. "In other words, if you were out of the picture, the field would be open. Is that right?"
"I guess so. What are you getting at?"
"Nothing, nothing," I said innocently, and took my suitcase out of the closet.
"Where are you going?" asked Petey.
"Home for the weekend." I threw a few things into the bag.
"Listen," he said, clutching my arm eagerly, "while you're home, you couldn't get some money from your old man, could you, and lend it to me so I can buy a raccoon coat?"

【16】"I may do better than that," I said with a mysterious wink and closed my bag and left.
"Look," I said to Petey when I got back Monday morning. I threw open the suitcase and revealed the huge, hairy, gamy object that my father had worn in his Stutz Bearcat in 1925.

【17】"Holy Toledo!" said Peter reverently. He plunged his hands into the raccoon coat and then his face. "Holy Toledo!" he repeated fifteen or twenty times.
"Would you like it?" I asked.
"Oh yes!" he cried, clutching the greasy pelt to him. Then a canny look came into his eyes. "What do you want for it?"
"Your girl," I said, mincing no words.
"Polly?" he asked in a horrified whisper. "You want Polly?"
"That's right."
He flung the coat from him. "Never," he said stoutly.

【18】I shrugged. "Okay. If you don't want the be in the swim, I guess it's your business."
I sat down in a chair and pretended to read a book, but out of the corner of my eye I kept watching Petey. He was a torn man. First he looked at the coat with the expression of a waif at a bakery window. Then he turned away and set his jaw resolutely. Then he looked back at the coat, with even more longing in his face.

【19】Then he turned away, but with not so much resolution this time. Back and forth his head swiveled, desire waxing, resolution waning. Finally, he didn't turn away at all; he just stood and stared with mad lust at the coat.

【20】"It isn't as though I was in love with Polly," he said thickly. "Or going steady or anything like that."
"That's right," I murmured.
"What's Polly to me, or me to Polly?"
"Not a thing," said I.
"It's just been a casual kick--just a few laughs, that's all."

【21】"Try on the coat," said I.
He complied. The coat bunched high over his ears and dropped all the way down to his shoe tops. He looked like a mound of dead raccoons. "Fits fine," he said happily.
"Is it a deal?" I asked, extending my hand.
He swallowed. "It's a deal," he said and shook my hand.

第一课

  爱情与逻辑

第一部分

马克斯·舒尔曼

【1】我既冷静又理智。敏锐、精明、有洞察力、尖锐且机敏，我具备所有这些特质。我的大脑像发电机一样强大，像化学家的天平一样精确，像手术刀一样锐利。想想看，我当时才十八岁。

【2】如此年轻却拥有如此巨大的智力并不常见。以我的大学室友彼得·贝洛斯为例。我们同龄，背景相似，但他笨得像个木头人。你知道的，他人还算不错，但脑袋里空空如也。情绪化的人。不稳定。易受影响。最糟糕的是，他是个追风者。我认为，追求时尚完全是对理性的否定。

【3】被每一次新潮流席卷，仅因为其他人都这么做就自我放弃，对我来说，这是愚蠢的极致。然而，对彼得来说却不是这样。

【4】一天下午，我发现彼得躺在床上，脸上露出极度痛苦的表情，我立刻判断他可能是阑尾炎。

【5】我说：“别动，别吃泻药，我去叫医生。”

“浣熊，”他含糊不清地嘟囔。

“浣熊？”我在离开的路上停下来问。

“我想要一件浣熊皮大衣，”他哭喊道。

我意识到他的问题不是身体上的，而是心理上的。“你为什么想要一件浣熊皮大衣？”

【6】“我本该知道的，”他哭着，捶打着自己的太阳穴。“我本该预见到，当查尔斯顿舞重新流行时，它们也会回来的。我像个傻瓜一样把所有钱都花在了教科书上，现在我买不起浣熊皮大衣了。”
“你是说，”我难以置信地说，“人们真的又开始穿浣熊皮大衣了吗？”

【7】“校园里所有的大人物都在穿。你去哪儿了？”

“在图书馆，”我说，这是一个校园里的大人物不常去的地方。

他从床上跳起来，踱步于房间。“我必须得到一件浣熊皮大衣，”他充满激情地说。“我必须得到！”

【8】“彼得，为什么？理智地看这件事。浣熊皮大衣不卫生。它们会掉毛。它们闻起来很臭。它们太重了。它们很不好看。它们...”

“你不懂，”他不耐烦地打断我。“这是潮流。难道你不想赶上潮流吗？”

“不，”我老实地说。

“嗯，我想，”他宣称。“为了一件浣熊皮大衣，我愿意给出任何东西。任何东西！”

我的大脑，这一精确的工具，开始快速运转。“任何东西？”我审视着他，问道。

“任何东西，”他铿锵有力地肯定道。

【9】我沉思地抚摸着下巴。碰巧我知道在哪里可以弄到一件浣熊皮大衣。我父亲在他大学时代就有一件；它现在放在家里阁楼的一个箱子里。碰巧的是，彼得拥有我想要的东西。他并没有真正拥有它，但至少他有优先权。我指的是他的女朋友，波莉·艾斯皮。

【10】我早已觊觎波莉·艾斯皮。让我强调一下，我对这位年轻女士的渴望并非出于情感。可以肯定的是，她是一个能激起情感的女孩，但我不是一个让情感左右理智的人。我想要波莉是出于一个精明计算的，完全理智的原因。

【11】我是一名法学院的新生。几年后我将开始执业。我非常清楚，合适的妻子对于促进律师职业生涯的重要性。我观察到的成功律师几乎无一例外地娶了漂亮、优雅、聪明的妇女。除了一个遗漏之外，波莉完美地符合这些标准。

【12】她很美。她还没有达到销魂的程度，但我确信时间会弥补这一不足。她已经具备了条件。

她很优雅。所谓优雅，我指的是充满风度。她举止端正，自如得体，从容不迫地显示出上佳的教养。在餐桌上她的举止非常精致。我曾在科纳校园餐厅见到她吃店里的特色三明治，包含烤肉碎片、肉汁、切碎的坚果和一勺酸菜，连手指都没弄湿。

【13】她并不聪明。实际上，她在智力上偏向相反的方向。但我相信在我的指导下，她会变聪明。无论如何，这是值得一试的。毕竟，让一个漂亮的笨女孩变聪明，比让一个聪明的丑女孩变漂亮要容易。

【14】“彼得，”我说，“你爱波莉·艾斯皮吗？”

“我觉得她是个聪明的孩子，”他回答，“但我不知道你是否会称之为爱。为什么？”

“你，”我问，“和她有任何

正式的约定吗？我是说你们是在稳定交往还是类似的关系吗？”

“没有。我们常常见面，但我们都还有其他约会。为什么？”

“有没有，”我问，“其他某个男人是她特别喜欢的？”

“据我所知没有。为什么？”

【15】我满意地点了点头。“换句话说，如果你退出，场上就会有空位。对吗？”

“我猜是的。你想说什么？”

“没什么，没什么，”我天真地说，然后从衣柜里拿出我的手提箱。

“你要去哪儿？”彼得问。

“回家过周末。”我往包里扔了一些东西。

“听着，”他急切地抓住我的胳膊说，“你回家的时候，你能不能从你老爸那里拿点钱，然后借给我，这样我就能买一件浣熊皮大衣了？”

【16】“我可能会做得更好，”我神秘地眨了眨眼，然后关上我的包走了。

“看，”我周一早上回来时对彼得说。我打开手提箱，露出了我父亲1925年在他的斯图茨熊猫车中穿过的那件巨大、毛茸茸、带有野味的物体。

【17】“天哪！”彼得虔诚地说。他把手伸进浣熊皮大衣，然后是脸。“天哪！”他重复了十五到二十次。

“你喜欢吗？”我问。

“哦，是的！”他哭着，抓着油腻的皮毛。这时，他的眼中浮现出一丝精明。“你想要什么作为交换？”

“你的女孩，”我直言不讳地说。

“波莉？”他惊恐地低声问。“你想要波莉？”

“没错。”

他把大衣从身上扔掉。“绝不，”他坚定地说。

【18】我耸了耸肩。“好吧。如果你不想随大流，我想那是你的事。”

我坐在椅子上，假装读书，但我一直用余光观察彼得。他陷入了矛盾中。他首先是带着一种像孤儿窥视面包店橱窗的表情看着大衣。然后他转过身去，坚定地咬紧了牙关。接着，他的脸上带着更多渴望的表情再次回头看大衣。

【19】然后他又转过身去，这次没有那么坚定。他的头来回摇摆，欲望增加，决心减弱。最后，他根本没有转过身去；他只是站着，带着疯狂的欲望盯着大衣看。

【20】“这并不是说我爱波莉，”他沉重地说。“或者说我们正在稳定交往之类的。”

“没错，”我低声说。

“波莉对我意味着什么，我对波莉又意味着什么呢？”

“没什么，”我说。

“这只是一时的兴趣，只是几次笑声，仅此而已。”

【21】“试试这件大衣，”我说。

他照做了。大衣高高地堆积在他的耳朵上，一直垂到他的鞋子顶部。他看起来像一堆死掉的浣熊。“合身，”他高兴地说。

“成交吗？”我问道，伸出手。

他咽了咽口水。“成交，”他说着，与我握手。