3.Love and logic(Part Ⅲ)（865）

Passage Three

        Love and logic

Part Ⅲ

Max Shulman

【1】Heartened by the knowledge that Polly was not altogether a cretin, I began a long, patient review of all I had told her. Over and over and over again I cited instances, pointed out flaws, kept hammering away without letup. It was like digging a tunnel. At first everything was work, sweat, and darkness.

【2】I had no idea when I would reach the light, or even if I would. But I persisted. I pounded and clawed and scraped, and finally I was rewarded. I saw a chink of light. And then the chink got bigger and the sun came pouring in and all was bright.

【3】Five grueling nights this took, but it was worth it. I had made a logician out of Polly; I had taught her to think. My job was done. She was worthy of me at last. She was a fit wife for me, a proper hostess for my many mansions, a suitable mother for my well-heeled children.

【4】It must not be thought that I was without love for this girl. Quite the contrary. Just as Pygmalion loved the perfect woman he had fashioned, so I loved mine. The time had come to change our relationship from academic to romantic.
"Polly," I said when we next sat beneath our oak, "tonight we will not discuss fallacies."
"Aw, gee," she said, disappointed.
"My dear," I said, favoring her with a smile, "we have now spent five evenings together. We have gotten along splendidly. It is clear that we are well matched."

【5】"Hasty Generalization," said Polly brightly.
"I beg your pardon," said I.
"Hasty Generalization," she repeated. "How can you say that we are well matched on the basis of only five dates?"
I chuckled with amusement. The dear child had learned her lessons well. "My dear," I said, patting her head in a tolerant manner, "five dates is plenty. After all, you don't have to eat a whole cake to know that it's good."

【6】"False Analogy," said Polly promptly. "I'm not a cake. I'm a girl."
I chuckled with somewhat less amusement. The dear child had learned her lesson perhaps too well. I decided to change tactics. Obviously the best approach was a simple, strong, direct declaration of love. I paused for a moment while my massive brain chose the proper words.

【7】Then I began:"Polly, I love you. You are the whole world to me, and the moon and the stars and the constellations of outer space. Please, my darling, say that you will go steady with me, for if you will not, life will be meaningless. I will languish. I will refuse my meals. I will wander the face of the earth, a shambling, hollow-eyed hulk."

【8】There, I thought, folding my arms, that ought to do it.
"Ad Misericordiam," said Polly.
I ground my teeth. I was not Pygmalion; I was Frankenstein, and my monster had me by the throat. Frantically I fought back the tide of panic surging through me. At all costs I had to keep cool.

【9】"Well, Polly," I said, forcing a smile, "you certainly have learned your fallacies."
"You're darn right," she said with a vigorous nod.
"And who taught them to you, Polly?"
"You did."
"That's right. So you do owe me something, don't you, my dear? If I hadn't come along you would never have learned about fallacies."

【10】"Hypothesis Contrary to Fact," she said instantly.
I dashed perspiration from my brow. "Polly," I croaked, "You mustn't take all these things so literally. I mean this is just classroom stuff. You know that the things you learn in school don't have anything to do with life."
"Dicto Simpliciter," she said, wagging her finger at me playfully.

【11】That did it. I leaped to my feet, bellowing like a bull. "Will you or will you not go steady with me?"
"I will not," she replied.
"Why not?" I demanded.
"Because this afternoon I promised Petey Bellows that I would go steady with him."

【12】I reeled back, overcome with the infamy of it. After he promised, after he made a deal, after he shook my hand! "That rat!" I shrieked, kicking up great chuncks of turf. "You can't go with him, Polly. He's a liar. He's a cheat. He's a rat."

【13】"Poisoning the Well," said Polly, "and stop shouting. I think shouting must be a fallacy too.

【14】With an immense effort of will, I modulated my voice. "All right," I said. "You're a logician. Let's look at this thing logically. How could you choose Petey Bellows over me? Look at me--a brilliant student, a tremendous intellectual, a man with an assured future.

【15】Look at Petey--a knot-head, a jitterbug, a guy who'll never know where his next meal is coming from. Can you give me one logical reason why you should go steady with Petey Bellows?"
"I certainly can," declared Polly. "He's got a racoon coat."

   爱情与逻辑

第三部分

马克斯·舒尔曼

【1】鼓舞于波莉并不完全是个白痴这一认知，我开始了对我告诉她的所有内容的长时间、耐心的复习。我一遍又一遍地举例，指出错误，不断地敲打，毫不放松。这就像挖掘一条隧道。起初一切都是劳动、汗水和黑暗。

【2】我不知道什么时候能见到光明，甚至不知道是否能见到。但我坚持了下来。我敲打、抓挠和刮擦，最终我得到了回报。我看到了一线光明。然后那道缝隙变大了，阳光涌了进来，一切都变得光明了。

【3】这花了五个辛苦的夜晚，但这是值得的。我把波莉变成了一个逻辑学家；我教会了她思考。我的任务完成了。她终于配得上我。她是我的合适妻子，是我许多豪宅的得体女主人，是我的富有孩子的合适母亲。

【4】绝不能认为我对这个女孩没有爱。恰恰相反。正如皮格马利翁爱他塑造的完美女性一样，我也爱我的女孩。现在是时候将我们的关系从学术性质转变为浪漫性质了。

“波莉，”我说，当我们下次坐在我们的橡树下时，“今晚我们不讨论谬误。”

“哎呀，天啊，”她失望地说。

“亲爱的，”我说，面带微笑地看着她，“我们现在已经一起度过了五个晚上。我们相处得非常好。很明显我们非常般配。”

【5】“仓促概括，”波莉机智地说。

“请再说一次，”我说。

“仓促概括，”她重复道。“你怎么能仅凭五次约会就说我们很般配呢？”

我被逗乐了。这个可爱的孩子学得很好。“亲爱的，”我说，以一种宽容的方式拍拍她的头，“五次约会已经足够了。毕竟，你不需要吃完一整个蛋糕就知道它是好的。”

【6】“错误类比，”波莉立刻说。“我不是蛋糕。我是个女孩。”

我笑得没那么开心了。这个可爱的孩子可能学得太好了。我决定改变策略。显然，最好的方法是简单、强烈、直接地表达爱意。我停顿了一会儿，让我的庞大大脑选择合适的词语。

【7】然后我开始说：“波莉，我爱你。你是我的整个世界，还有月亮、星星和外太空的星座。请，亲爱的，说你会和我稳定交往，因为如果你不答应，生活将毫无意义。我会消沉。我会拒绝吃饭。我将徘徊在地球上，成为一个蹒跚行走、眼神空洞的庞然大物。”

【8】我这样想着，双臂交叉，这应该可以打动她了。

“诉诸怜悯，”波莉说。

我咬紧牙关。我不是皮格马利翁；我是弗兰肯斯坦，我的怪物正掐着我的喉咙。我疯狂地抵抗着涌上心头的恐慌。不惜一切代价，我必须保持冷静。

【9】“好吧，波莉，”我说，勉强笑了笑，“你确实学会了你的谬误。”

“你说得太对了，”她大力点头说。

“是谁教给你这些的，波莉？”

“是你。”

“没错。所以你确实欠我一些东西，不是吗，亲爱的？如果不是我，你永远不会了解到这些谬误。”

【10】“与事实相反的假设，”她立刻说。

我从额头擦去汗水。“波莉，”我沙哑地说，“你不应该这么字面上理解这些东西。我的意思是这些只是课堂上的东西。你知道你在学校学到的东西和生活无关。”

“过于简单化，”她一边俏皮地对我摇指头说。

【11】这下我忍无可忍。我跳起来，像公牛一样吼叫。“你到底愿不愿意和我稳定交往？”

“我不愿意，”她回答。

“为什么不愿意？”我追问。

“因为今天下午我答应彼得·贝洛斯我会和他稳定交往。”

【12】我向后退了几步，被这种无耻所击败。在他承诺后，达成协议后，握了我的手后！“那个混蛋！”我尖叫着，踢起一大块草皮。“你不能和他在一起，波莉。他是个骗子。他是个骗子。他就是个混蛋。”

【13】“污染井水，”波莉说，“别喊了。我觉得喊叫也一定是个谬误。”

【14】我费了巨大的力气调整我的声音。“好吧，”我说。“你是个逻辑学家。让我们从逻辑上看这件事。你怎么能选择彼得·贝洛斯而不选择我？看看我，一个杰出的学生，一个了不起的知识分子，一个前途无量的人。

【15】再看看彼得，一个笨蛋，一个容易紧张的人，一个永远不知道下一顿饭在哪里的家伙。你能给我一个你应该和彼得·贝洛斯稳定交往的逻辑理由吗？”

“当然可以，”波莉断然说。“他有一件浣熊皮大衣。”